Planning
There was a shark swimming around me- i was in danger but i got away.
1) What am i doing?- friend drowning, save her
2) What happen? The engine broke down, we're stuck
3) What did my senses tell me? (throw a fridge with meat down)
4) Someone with a jet boat came and help us.
5) I was in danger, but i got away.
The sky was dark and the wind was blowing furiously at the speed boat. My friend, Stephanie and I was going to go shark hunting. On the way there, Stephanie toppled over and fell of the boat into the vast ocean. Surprisingly she couldn't swim, and was trying her hardest to stay alive. I noticed she had a deep cut on her right hand. I knew that she had to get out of the water in time before the sharks came, so I jumped down and save her. Stephanie managed to get out of the water with the help of the boat driver. At a distant, I saw something swimming fast towards us and realized it was the sharks. I quickly tried to climb up to the boat, but I failed.
Sharks came swimming as fast as lightning towards me. It's teeth were as sharp as japanese knives and they have the size of a mini to a medium boat. They look like gangsters, but in an animal form. The next thing I knew, there was a shark swimming around me. I tried not to move, but it didn't work. My heart was beating continuously and I was running out of breath. I had nothing to do but wait. Wait for a miracle to happen. Any minute now the shark will come and attack me.
The senses prompt was for you to think about what you can see, smell, hear etc.
ReplyDeleteGood:
Sentence variety
Use of pathetic fallacy enhances atmosphere of threat and danger
Targets:
Control of tenses 'My friend and I was...'
Accuracy of spelling & grammar 'At a distant / It's teeth' etc.
A good start :)
Awesome imagination about the character named 'Stephanie'. But your use of metaphors and similes are not quite as intriguing as how your other texts were. Use them for adding dramatic effect. I do not understand use of "they look like gangsters". The use of short sentences are important for this aspect.
ReplyDeleteA really good story Ann :) the plot was all around very interesting. But you could have elaborated your explanations more about the shark instead of "they look like gangster" and "they have the size of a mini to a medium boat" as it isn't really defining the shark in a interesting way.
ReplyDeleteI feel that the sentence,"I noticed she had a deep cut on her right hand.", was a bit out of place as nothing before or after that sentence relates to it or explains it.
ReplyDeleteI like your use of metaphors.