A white time machine. It takes you back in time. All you have to do is get on it, and let your mind take it's course. The next thing you know, you're in the future.. Just like a portal into another world.
Tempting. It is jealous of my relationships with a round and red time bomb which goes off at the right time each day. You feel protected under it's soft, gentle arms. A comfortable chamber where you can think in peace, a place where you can hide from evil monsters. It's an inanimate object, yet you can feel it's presence trying to get hold of your soul. Resisting isn't an option when you are at your limit. Slowly you are drawn towards the big cloud, feeling tranquil, feeling serene..
I find the start a bit strange as you say that it is a time machine and then, you explain what a time machine does - almost like you think the audience would not know what a time machine is.
ReplyDeleteI think you need to take care of your punctuation.Although I see that you are ambitious and use quite a good range, you use them incorrectly in some places.In particular, I think you should check for comma splices (in some places, you have put commas where there should not be and in some places where there should be commas, you have left them out.) and research more on the correct use of apostrophes (sometimes they are used to be possessive to someone and sometimes they are used to shorten words in speech.I think you have confused the two.).
Also, I think the ellipses (the, ‘. . .’ , you use) do contribute to the slow tone of the piece.I would say that is very appropriate as I think it goes together with the object you are trying to describe.I think your object is a bed.Maybe if your object was not a bed and was completely different, you should use a different tone but assuming your object is a bed, I think the ellipses were effective.
I admire how your perspective is almost consistent.I like your constant use of, “you”, because it shows you know who your audience is.Your consistency was broken off when you suddenly started saying, “I”, and describing your experience with your object.
I think what could have been really effective was more description of your object(s) in action instead of you just telling the audience. I would have liked to see how this time machine works, the “portal into another world” and definitely, I would have loved to see the red time bomb go off :)